I just have to laugh at these freaks…

So, the Outlaws remembered my birthday this year…but it wasn’t as profitable as last year. I was hoping for some cash-trumps-sincerity after their latest set of tirades and fiascos (attempting to kick me out of the house we’re living in for no other reason than Doug won’t tell them where I work. Like they REALLY need to know that? Really? AND then hanging up on him when he said “well, if she goes, I go.” Morons.), but that didn’t happen. 

 

Instead, I the most non-religious person that I know (despite the fact that I work at a Catholic school…) got a “May God bless you on your birthday” card with a $2.00 bill in it and some of the usual insincere crap that Vapid spews. 

 

Now, the sad part in all of this is that she thinks she knows us SOOO well. She thinks she knows me in the most intimate of mother-daughter relationships. Prime example here- She thinks she knows my favorite foods-yet doesn’t know that cola gives me hives and keeps trying to foist it on me. that’s a basic set of knowledge when you’re dealing with me. Sodas in my world are CLEAR. She pretends to know what I like to wear. Anyone who has seen me dress knows I prefer classic lines and styles over trendy. I don’t go shopping for clothing much. She’s purchased me the wrong size trendy (with nasty patterns and colors) clothes…try 4 sizes too big. Her line? “I tried them on, and they fit me, so I figured they’d fit you too.” Sooo…mother daughter bond? Yeah, right. whatever. My own darling Moomie doesn’t dare pick out clothes for me without me around! See how delusional this woman is? 

 

  I’m pretty good at keeping my distance when it counts, and with these two, that’s the name of my game-or I’ll do/say something that I regret. So, in my world, they get no information. So gee…How do you think I’ll really love a religious card? 

 

And what’s with the 2.00 bill? that’s just an insult in my world. WTF? It would have been better if they never sent anything!

 

I just have to laugh. They’re so freakin’ delusional that they don’t realize that I don’t care about any of this. Just stay far away from me and I’m all good. Sending me nothing is better than doing what they pulled. 

 

So, maybe next year, they’ll forget my birthday altogether instead of insulting me. That would just make me one happy Laura.

 

Now, if you’ll all excuse me, I think I’m going to go have Isaac recycle the card. he’s on this big “save the Earth” kick lately. I can tell him all about recycling paper!

Um, yeah, sure, right.

Yesterday, Isaac had his 2nd set of tubes placed in his ears. Not a big deal by any stretch of the imagination after what this kid has been through, but still, it requred a hospital visit….which freaks the poor kid out after last year’s debacle with Doug. So, needless to say, it was not an easy morning for us. Isaac came through like a champ and was bouncing off the walls by the time we got home.

 

So, when we got home, we noticed that the mail had arrived! Wow! Early mail! Neato bandito! Supposedly the Outlaws and Princess Pretendtocare sent Isaac Halloween stuff. After the baby toy debacle, we’re previewing any gifts from Princess Pretendtocare, so watching hte mail was imperitive.

In the mail, there was an envelope adressed to Doug. In Colostomy’s handwriting. Ok…

So, I have Doug open it, thinking it may be sometihing decent. STOP LAUGHING. I KNOW! I was delusional from the lack of sleep and the cold that I’m fighting…and a bunch of other things…

So, inside the envelope are 2 newspaper articles with “F.Y.I” and big smiley faces on them. One is about Food Stamps (yeah, right. We don’t need them, we don’t qualify, and for cripes sake, that’s our choice if we want to apply or not. ) and the other was an article all about how Tuscon needs minority teachers who are bilingual.

 

Let me repeat that.

 

Tuscon needs minority teachers that are bilingual.

 

Do we all see what this is?

 

DING!

A thinly veiled ploy on the part of Vapid to get us to move to Arizona.

 

Now, let’s discuss this-

First off, It’s bad enough I’m here in NY. It’s stinkin cold now and I’m tired of it already. For cripe’s sake we had snow. Now, most people would think that moving to Arizona would combat that…well, it’s on the other polar extreme of what I hate. SERIOUSLY STINKIN HOT. Nope. No thanks.

 

Second, why would they even want me near them? They constantly call me names and since Doug won’t give up any information on where I work or anything (that’s my my demand. Until they can learn to ask ME, and stop pumping Doug for information and then berating him when he won’t give ut up, they get no information whatsoever.), they tell him that I don’t want to be part of the family. Why are they doing this? Is it a delusional ploy to get near Isaac?  Doug even told me that Vapid talked his ear off abotu this for a half hour and when he said “well, you know, Laura’s not going to go for this…” she didn’t shut up.

lastly, I’m officially offended. How dare they send an article to Doug about teaching. He’s a NURSE. Not a teacher. That’s my occupation. Why not send that article to me? Had that happened, I’d be throwing it in the circular file and calling them their usual set of delusional names. First they say adopted kids aren’t real family, then they call me racial slurs and now this? What is it? Do you want me near you or do you think that I’m the scourge of society because I’m noth a minority and adopted?  And how can they be so delusional as to think that I’d even move closer to them, when I refuse to let them near Isaac unsupervised after several incidents where they have exercised questionable judgement in the way they handle my child.

 

Morons. They can’t have it both ways. Seriously. They can’t.

 

I’m quite happy at the ‘bux and in my computer lab, thank you very much. I will not be heading to Tuscon any time soon. As much as NY is a place I begrudginly call home, Arizona is not on my list of destinations where I’d really want to plant myself. It’s safer that way…for the outlaws that is.

The latest delusion from Princess Pretendtocare

This is too choice NOT to share…

So, yesterday, after a debacle of a birthday phone call to Colostomy by Doug (and I’m not going there…just know that it was NOT pretty…), Colostomy started going on and on about Princess Pretendtocare.

Now, let me give y’all some background…

Princess was stupid and without consulting Mr. Princess Pretendtocare (who I actually kind of like. I feel bad for him most times…but I digress), she bid on a job in COLORADO-they live in Michigan-with her company that if she got she had to take, or she’d lose her job.

WELL, Princess Pretendtocare got the job, and Mr. Princess went through the roof. I don’t blame him.

End Result: Princess Pretendtocare has no job. Vapid and Colostomy are all “Poor Princess.”

I don’t feel bad. She did it to herself.

So, back to the delusion at hand here.

She’s so disenchanted with Dueling Banjoes Michigan (you have to go down a GRAVEL ROAD to get to her house-and she has a huge septic system and BOTTLE GAS..), that she wants out. She’s sick of the snow (can’t blame her there), so she wants to move. Again, normally would be ok with this…but get where she wants to move to get away from the snow:

IDAHO OR WYOMING

Yes, y’all read that right. Idaho or Wyoming…to get away from snow.

Mom spit soda when she heard that.

She also thinks that she’ll sell her house in Dueling Banjoes super quick.

(insert shot of all of us rolling around laughing)

I swear, she’s as delusional as Vapid and Colostomy. You know she got it from them…and the “blame everyone but yourself” when you screw up mentality.

Ok…what are they up to?

So, since NASCAR officially puked in Isaac’s room (Photos to follow at a later date..), we’ve been wondering what the outlaws are up to, especially after the latest round of “gifts.”

 

So, we got told that there were some NASCAR Die casts coming…so, when we called about the border (That’s another post for when I can explain Colostomy’s thinking…) and I was on the phone with Nascar.com superstore, and I happened to ask the guy (very nice, I might add!) what drivers got sent…he told me this:

They sent pretty much the ENTIRE Sprint cup series.

Yeah. I fainted too. That’s about 30-40 cars…and these are Hot Wheels size.

 

Nice gift, but a) what are they up to, and b) where in the name of all things holy am I going to put all of these dang things?

 

Oh, and for those of you who wondered what that drink was…don’t forget to hover over…and there’s a caption…but I’ll let you in on what it is…

It’s Boba tea, or Bubble Tea. It’s mango flavored (they’ve got other flavors..) and the black thngs? Those are tapioca balls cooked and soaked in a yummy solution…and it tastes almost like gummi bears. Yummmmmmmmmmm…and I got hooked on them in CA…

 

and not for the squeamish here, but Doug calls them…

 

 

“Kidney stone slushies”

 

lovely, huh?

Ok..Now, I’m just irritated.

As Isaac’s birthday gets closer, the Outlaws become more and more…shall I say…DESPERATE.

They’re pulling their usual one-upsmanship. They find out that my ‘rents are doing something super cool and nice…and they have to attempt to top them, in a desperate attempt to make Isaac love them.

 

So, today, we get an overnighted postal envelope addied to Isaac. After yesterday’s debacle, I didn’t want the little guy disappointed again with something completely innapropriate, so while he was taking his daily “break” (we can’t call it rest or nap. That will set off hissy fits…), I tore into the envelope. Inside was a padded envelope addied to the Monkey again…and inside that envelope were 2 more envelopes. (Does anyone get the image of the old box in a box in a box trick that we all used to pull on our friends? No? Sorry. My brain running on…I just remember someone doing it to another friend of mine…but we won’t go there.).

So, I break into the first envelope, and it was the obligatory mushy card (completely adult card…not for a 4 year old) and inside was an internet receipt for brand spanking new NASCAR bedding for the Monkey! Cool! And the note we’ve been waiting for since oh, last year…or even 2 years ago…the go ahead to go and pick out a new twin bed (of our choosing-not their desert meets faux hunting lodge taste) for Monkey.

Ok. So far, so good.

 

Here’s where they lose all sorts of points…

 

We open up the 2nd card, and it’s cute. It’s Nemo…ok, we can deal with that so far…

Inside, is a gift card to pet smart…and the following…and this is exact wording…

Take this and get a fish tank-the set up and fish! Get it home, set it up, and enjoy your new pets!

What? You’re kidding me…right? Really…you have GOT to be kidding me. 2 cats and 2 frogs aren’t enough for me to take care of? You mean you actually want me to add a fish tank into the mix here? Oh, wait…DID YOU EVEN FREAKIN ASK ME???

Aren’t gifts of pets supposed to be approved by the parent, especially the parent of a child who is turning 4?

And what’s really sad was I thought it was a decent gift until what was written really sunk in, and I went and checked the balance on the gift card…

And now, the more I think about it, the angrier and angrier I get. This is damn presumptuous…totally presumptuous. They assume we WANT a fish tank…with 2 cats rolling around the house…and that I really want another water-based pet…and they also assumed (as we found out) that the fish tank that they so desperately wanted him to have would be housed IN HIS ROOM.

Yes, you all read that right…IN THE BEDROOM OF A HIGHLY IMPULSIVE, HIGHLY DISTRACTABLE, CONSTANT MOTION 4 YEAR OLD.

Can we say carpet flood anyone?

 

I swear…they are bound and determined to be the death of me. I swear, they’ve never gotten over the fact that when they asked when Isaac could have a gerbil, my response was “Never.”

 

So, let’s recap the last 2 days of gifts…

1 infant gift sent by Princess Pretendtocare

1 unwanted pet gift (thank goodness it’s a gift card…but the point remains…we were supposed to get animals with this sucker!) sent by Vapid and Colostomy!

Delusional. Delusional, I tell you!

There is something to be said for not having any kids, and attempting to buy presents for family member’s children. There is also something to be said for knowing age, and knowing basically what a child can do at that age. There is definately something to be said for having the brain power to pick up the phone and call and see what the child is into if you have no clue about what a child of oh, say 4, would like.

So, what brings this tirade on?

Simple.

Princess Pretendtocare, in a seriously misguided attempt to get back into Isaac’s life after ignoring him for oh, almost 2 years, because we told her where to take her delusional behavior (see previous posts on her. It’s just not worth rehashing here. She’s a peice of work, just like her parents.), sent Isaac a birthday present.

 

Wanna see what she sent?

You can’t believe that either, huh.

Well, just so you can believe your eyes are fine, here’s another shot of the stuff…

Did I mention the ball rattles?

Good everloving Lord.

My child will be 4 on Saturday. 4. Not 1, not 2…4. (Anyone else having visions of the Monty Python Holy Hand Grenade speech? No? Ok. Sorry.)

Let’s have a close up of the pins…

Note how…non pre-K these suckers are. You’d find these in an INFANT room!!! Geez Louise!

Now, Princess Pretendtocare has called here recently. She’s only called to profess her undying love for Doug…which we all see through. Her small talk-as the rest of the outlaws do the same thing…because they’re STUPID and can’t use a simple weather.com search…”What’s the weather?”

NOT any of the following list

• So, what’s Isaac into these days?
• What size does Isaac wear? Are there any types of clothes you don’t allow him to wear?
• What shows does he like?
• Does he like sports?
• what would he need for his birthday?
• What would be a good present for him?

yeah. Any of those would be appropriate. But does she ask them? NOPE. Just a straight delusional, innapropriate gift.

I’m floored and flabbergasted. How can anyone think that this is appropriate for a 4 year old who got a SCOOTER for his birthday this year…and can sing all of the songs on They Might be Giants “Here come the ABC’s” and knows Speed Racer (and got a Mach 5 today!! That’s another post…) !!

 

Please, someone. Beat some sense into her for me. I’m at a loss for what to do…and even wondering if this was a basement gift…a la her ‘rents style..(remember the tissues? Remember the stuff that was sent for Christmas out of their basement??)

 

ARGH.

Mind boggling…completely mind boggling

So, I grab the mail the other day after coming home from “Journey Through the Body” with Isaac (pictures later. And some of those pictures? NOT for the squeamish!!), and find an envelope with my name on it with Vapid’s writing.

 

Ohhhhkayyyyy. My birthday was well over a week and a half ago…and after Christmas and the nasty note they sent us (don’t even make me go there. Just imagine the tone of the note and the fact that the phone conversation that accompanied it was littered with f-bombs from Colostomy…Such adult behavior..isn’t it?), this couldn’t be a birthday card…considering part of the conversation was Colostomy screaming “We’ll never send that bitch another damn thing ever!” Yes, he really said that.

 

So, I open it, and lo and behold it’s a freakin BIRTHDAY CARD with this whole diatribe about how “we would NEVER forget you!!” Plus a check.

 

Attempting to kiss my rear so that I’ll like them? Yeah. Right. I’m too smart for that.

 

I had thoughts of sending it back. Big time. So, I called Mom for some needed perspective. Her line when I read her the note in the card:

“Oh, let me get my hankie.”

She told  me to just keep the dang thing.

 

So, then I call TheAngelForever, and her line?

“Oh, where’s my barf bag!?”

See, they’re fooling no one with their mock display.

 

So, I appeal to Doug…do I keep it, do I send it back…and he comes out with the line of the day…and the real reason why I kept it…

 

“Cash trumps sincerity in my book any day when it comes to my family.”

 

I can get behind that. I really can.

Another day, another hospital, another time to deal with an outlaw

Today, Doug had his (we hope) last surgery to correct the emergency item that was placed, oh, around 6 months ago. If it was just me, my mom and maybe a friend or two waiting for him to get out of surgery, life would have been good…but no, COLOSTOMY has to show up…leaving Vapid at home with Princess Pretendtocare (Vapid stayed home for a GOOD set of reasons that I’ll detail at another time. It makes me seriously angry what she’s being forced to go through…but again, I digress..and don’t think that I like her. Trust me, I don’t…but well, again, I’ll go into that another time.).

Well, Doug’s surgery started early, and so did the stupidity from Colostomy.  Stop acting shocked.

so, let’s just do this bullet style.

• First, the freak didn’t even acknowledge my presence. No, Not shocked.
• He sucked up to Mom. Y’all expected anything less?
• He sat there shooting me daggers when the doc asked for ME on the phone and not him to report on how the surgery went.
• A little knowledge is dangerous with this moron. Even when situations are different, it’s still “just like last time”
• When he was told that it wasn’t like last time by 3 people (including me) the jerk still didn’t listen.
• He alternated between sweet talking and bullying the desk staff
• HE CLIPPED HIS NAILS AT THE LUNCH TABLE! OH, FOR SKEEEEEV OUT!!! He threw the nails on the FLOOR!!!
• He forced poor Doug to talk to Vapid (who immediately turned on her crocodile tears) and Princess Pretendtocare in the evening after surgery.
• At the same time, He tried to get Doug to let him buy a bike for Isaac, even though the two of us have told those morons repeately that the bike is the 5 year old gift. I told him politely (even according to mom!!) that no bike. He somehow thinks that my no is overruled by Doug’s no. He was mightly shocked when Doug told him that the answer was no.
• His Ostomy reeks. I’ve never seen one that was this loud and reeks this bad. Even Doug says it.
• He’s just an out and out jerk

But the good news in all of this is that Doug came through the surgery just fine. There was a lot of “clean up” work to do with some scar tissue, and they had to repair a hernia, but otherwise, things were fine.

So, get this-

the doc told me on the phone that they had a bit of trouble finding the other end of his intestine to reconnect. WELL, My overtired, sarcastic brain had this running through it, which I told the doctor when he came up and couldn’t find another family…after doing 3 back to back to back surgeries:

“What? You didn’t put enough flourescent tape or dye on it so you could find it right away?”

 

Yeah, that was the hit of his day. He died laughing, as did his scheduler. Who now works for the OR.

They claim he’ll be in anywhere from 3-5 days. Our line? Yeah, right. BUT, both the doc and Doug have their marching orders. He needs to be out by 4/19. Or else.

oh, and note to Jenn...We know so well that Orange Juice isn’t a clear liquid! I had to have a conversation with someone as to WHY it was not. My response? “Look. You can’t read a newspaper through it, can you? No? Well, there you have it! It’s not a clear liquid!!”

another from the “that’s a surprise” files

Colostomy said last year’s lawn building up fiasco would elminate the flooding. I told him he was full of it, because we’re NOT on a hill..and they scaped it FLAT instead of making it a hill…

want proof?

Yeah…Told him…

and I’m just going to have a heart attack and DIE from that surprise!

On the first day of Christmas…

The outlaws gave to Doug….

A box of tissues from the basement.

So, the outlaws are famous for their innapropriate gifts and stuff from their basment that they pawn off as gifts and send to us.

This year, they sent Doug’s birthday box late, and we were all betting on what from the baesment would appear. I figured a few things of shampoo (that did happen one year) or some socks…

well, we were all wrong.

It was…

a box of puffs tissues from a 3 pack like you’d buy at Target with the plastic still on it.

don’t get it. Don’t get it at all. WTFH.

Now, we’re waiting to see what shows up for Christmas.

Tissues. They are just peices of work.