The lowlights

October 5, 2007 at 9:10 pm Leave a comment

So, the outlaws came and are leaving tomorrow afternoon…not without doing some things that made my life absolutely miserable and made me realize that there are no real lows that they will NOT stoop to in order tomake themselves either look good or get ahead with some sort of short cut.

Let’s get started, shall we?

We’re going Minor offense to horror story. And trust me, you will NOT believe (ok, you will…but I’ll explain why later) the last one.

First- the annoying, but tolerable…

1) They decided to be cheapskates and not pay for one night of a hotel. Not so bad you say? It is when you move to 5 hotels in 5 days because you can’t get more than 1 free night at each! After night 1, I had no clue where they were. Like I cared anyhoo? But the point is, why go through all of this just so you can be cheap?

2) Vapid went on and on about me teaching her to knit. She doesn’t listen when we tell her that Isaac doesn’t like this or that or that we do not talk to him like he’s 3 months old, so why should I trust her with pointy sticks? Better yet, why should I trust myself with her and pointy sticks? It would be a recipie for disaster.

3) Vapid went on and on at my mother (who was an angel and sat with me while Doug was in surgery because I am not responsible for what happens to any of them if I am left alone with them.) on how she wanted to see my grandmother, because who knows when she’ll see her again (geez…sounds like gram’s going to be dead in a week…according to her garbage…) and how she really adores my grandmother (*cough* BULLSHIT *cough*)Oh, and she’s got this cold, but she really wants to go see my grandmother…and see the home and all of that. Yeah. You do that Vapid. Just make frail people sick with your nasty germs becuase you don’t have good hygene and your perfume reeks to high heaven. Mom was smart and didn’t offer her any open time. GO MOM! YOU HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!

Now, onto the “we think we’re smart, but when we open our mouths all of this stupid garbage comes out and makes us look dumber than we are!”

1) Colostomy: “What’s the copay?”

      Us “500.00”

     Colostomy “you know, you’re very fortunate to have that kind of a copay. It’s so affordable. It really makes having the surgery done worth it. It’s so fortunate that you have really good insurance.”

2) Vapid: “So, do they have an oncology unit here?”

   10 minutes later, after being told that AMC is a major trauma center for the capital region: “So, do they have a burn unit here?”

10 minutes after the last one: “Where’s the emergency room?” (She was sitting in direct view of the sign…literally…about 3 feet from it…and it is a BIG RED SIGN with WHITE LETTERS…several inch high letters.)

10 minutes after THAT: “I really wish I had some hot chocolate. People are getting it up at that station. Wait. can you get more than one drink?” We explained that you needed a pass to get the drinks. We didn’t have said pass because Doug hadn’t been brought back to pre op.

Doug and I take a walk, and my mom shows up….

Vapid: “I just told them we never got a pass, and he just gave me one. They’re so cheap. They only put one packet of mix in here.” (note: these were FREEBIES.)

and a beauty

Vapid: “I almost ordered this knitting book from my book club for you, and it was something about “beginning knitting” (note- I’m beyond beginning. I knit socks.  I knit LACE. I knit lots of things. I am NOT a beginner.) but then the reviews on amazon said it was a really crappy book, so then …..(she goes on and on and on for 5 minutes about how she can’t remember the title, but it was so nicely bound and by a reputable company. I proceed to ask the title 10 times, and then this happens:)

So, what knitting book should I get if I want to learn.

Me: (in all seriousness…) “Knitting for Dummies.”

Vapid :” they have that?”

me: “Yes. and it usually comes in a kit with needles and stitch markers and holders”

Vapid: “they really have that book? It wasn’t on the book club, and they always have all of the dummies books.”

me: “Go to a BOOKSTORE.” I walk away. I cannot take any more of this.

Later my mom tells her to go take a class. I pity the poor teacher that gets Vapid in her “beginning knitting” class.

We move into the “Who taught you your etiquitte and listening skills” category…

Mom forced me to eat lunch with them. I was shooting her the “please, don’t make me” eyes. She took no notice.

(now, before I get into any more about Vapid and Colostomy, I need to take a second to thank my parents…my mom for keeping me from murdering the two fools and my dad for taking Isaac to MyGym and keeping him until 7:30 at night. Go Dad…now, back to the blog of stupidity.)

Well, we sit down, and Vapid has purchased some sushi. California rolls. SHE HAS NO CLUE WHAT IS IN THEM.

Vapid: (picking up a peice of California roll with her fingers and not a pair of chopsticks or even a fork) “Oh, where are the carrots and the shrimp?”

me: (Trying not to throw a packet of soy sauce at her) “There are no carrots and shrimp in a California Roll.”

Vapid: (picking it apart and dipping it straight into a cup of wasabi and then talking with her mouth full and things hanging out) “well they do in Arizona.”
Me (trying not to puke and silently cursing my mother’s courtesy for making me sit with them) “no. they don’t. A California Roll has crab, cucumber and avocado, rolled in rice and nori, and in some cases coated in fish roe.”

Vapid (looking at me using the soy sauce to dip my sushi into that she insisted I take) “oh. Ok. Wow. I’ve never seen anyone use that kind of sauce for their sushi. is that a special kind of sauce? You use chopsticks? Wow. I’ve never seen anyone do that with sushi.”

I began using the chopsticks to eat my salad. it just seemed right. Plus, every time I wanted to eat salad, I was too lazy to put down my chopsticks and use a fork.

Then, Vapid began complaining (with mouth full) about how she couldnt’ find any pound cake or anything sweet (there were LOTS OF SWEETS) and how the only thing she saw was cupcakes and how she couldn’t eat both and she wanted to split them with someone (we all declined.)

Then, she had so much wasabi, that her nose began to run. She took out a USED TISSUE from her wrist (UNDER HER WATCH) and used it at the table. OH DISGUSTING.

Then, they came over to look at the driveway. (that’s another blog…they were baaaaaaaccckkk!) She was CLEANING OUT HER PURSE in my driveway. When they left (after an argument about staying and playing with Isaac…which my answer was NO. He’s exhausted and needs to rest.)my driveway was littered with receipts from places I know that she only shops…Marshall’s, TJMaxx, all sorts of discount retailers that I don’t go near, and neither does my neighbor. I picked them up and they were all from ARIZONA. Gee. How to make my driveway look like shit.

And now onto my favorite category: “Lies, lies, lies. We tell them to make ourselves look good and to test how good everyone’s bullshit radar is and pray that it’s not so good so we can hoodwink them.”

Colostomy: (after being told that this week was really busy and that they were here for Doug, not to disrupt Isaac’s routine.) “We’re here for you too!”

yeah. right.

Colostomy (to the guy who was doing our gutters.) “oh, they (read: me and Doug) broke the door moving in. They just don’t know how to take care of things.”

Let’s discuss why that’s bullshit. 1) the door has been screwed up SINCE BEFORE we moved in. It never closed properly and the hinges were bent when we moved in. Not BECAUSE we moved in. 2) Colostomy was not here for the move in. I told the gutter guy so.  He was floored.

Their excuse for backing out of dinner 2 hours before start time that was never told to me, but was given to Doug…

“We just don’t feel well, and we leave tomorrow and we have to pack, and we have to make sure we’re out on time…”

Now, y’all know that they were just pissed that I forced invited my parents along for protection a nice quiet meal along with them and they wouldn’t get any alone time with Isaac, so they did what they always do. Cower in the corner because they don’t have any cojones when it comes to me and telling the truth about WHY they decided to cancel Cancel their plans in a huff with no explanation really.

and now…the grandaddy of all disgusting lies…

As we were wating for Darling Dougie to come out of surgery, Vapid looks over at Mom and says (get ready for it…)

“So, do you have a handicapped parking permit for (my dad) or your mother?”

Mom: “No. We really don’t need one, and (My dad) didn’t want one after his surgery.”

Vapid (looking shocked at this answer) “Well, we do. It makes life so much easier for us.”

On top of this, Colostomy has the nerve to say to me when I got there with Doug:

” You know why we got such a good parking space? We used our handicapped tag! We got a great space right away!”

These two exchanges made me sick. Here’s why.

They got the permit when they were both (at seperate times) undergoing chemo. Now, they are no longer doing chemo and are able bodied enough to walk around Disney World for 7 days and then go to Seattle and walk around Seattle for 5 days. If you can do that, you don’t need a handicapped parking permit.  My Grandfather, who had lung cancer that attacked his brain hated using that permit, even though he was super weak from radiation and chemo. He’d rather walk and save it for people who really needed it. That’s my dad’s attitude. These two disgusting, horrible people have scammed a handicapped permit and flaunt it in people’s faces. Vapid was going to suggest my mom use it to get a better parking space if she had one.  This lie goes from “white” to “inexcusable.”

Am I shocked they lie like this to gain things? No.

But it bothers me, because I always held out a shard (even though it may have been microscopic) that they had some set of scruples and would be honest when it came down to that type of stuff. It’s kind of like the asshole that never paid me for working at his store and then sent lies of my earnings to the IRS. You never think that someone would be that low down. But, they are.  The sad part is that these are people that hoodwink others into thinking tht they are great, wonderful and generous.

They’re really slime. Slime of the lowest kind.

So, that was the visit from the outlaws. Thank GOD Isaac was never torturted with their presence. He could care less about them. I’m glad of that. There are sometimes that I swear, they were put on this earth just to annoy me. Then, they back out on a dinner or stay away from my child…or do something stupid that allows me to keep them away from all of us as a family…and I know all is right with the universe.

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Entry filed under: annoyances, ick, outlaws, stupidity. Tags: .

Well, well, well… What a wake up call!

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