The sheer magnitude of it all

October 14, 2007 at 10:30 am 3 comments

Today, I have decided that it will be a pajama day for me and Isaac.

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. Isaac spent nearly all day at my parents’ house yesterday so I could hang with Doug.

We are all rapidly losing coping skills.

When I went yesterday, Doug had 6 IV pumps hooked up to him, because they couldn’t find any double or triple pumps. It took all day for him to get a barcolounger chair, and it was removed from his room overnight. NOT cool.

Doug was also told yesterday (for the first time..and I didn’t know this either..) that he had gone septic from the hole in his bowel, and was near death. Thisis weighing on both of us. He was in tears over the prospect of leaving the both of us. He’s scared for his recovery.  He’s scared about the next surgery to reverse some of the things that were done during this surgery. (Things were so swolen and inflamed and all of that, that if hte doc tried to reconstruct a few things, it would have just fallen apart again. So, it’s down to waiting a few months and going back and putting things right.)

Cripes, I’m scared. I’m sleepwalking through days. Last night, I had no clue where I took off my rings…I physically did not remember where I put them down. I put them in a place I NEVER put them…and I remembered taking them off, but never putting them down. My brain is on such overload, it takes all of my energy to even decide what channel to put the tv on.   I don’t want to eat…I don’t want to do anything. I’m so exhausted I’m not hungry. I feel like my eyes are about to close at any second and I’m going to fall asleep doing something seriously important.  I don’t want to even cook, even though I know Isaac has to eat. I’d rather just have someone do it for me. I don’t want to do anything at all.

What’s even sadder is that I’ve only had one person ask how I’m holding up. My phone rings endlessly, and everyone wants updates on Doug, but here I am, wrangling a 3 year old,a nd attempting to hold it together and not collapse out of exhaustion, and no one really seems to even notice me, save for my parents and a group of people I can count on one hand.   I have had ENOUGH, this is taking a huge toll on me. I now have to cope with a husband who is falling apart, the outlaws who are STILL here and trying to “help.” They want to come clean. Yeah, right. They’re not getting in this house unless they have a search warrant. Doug suggested that maybe they’re trying to make nice. I still assert that we’ll be paying a price later on down the road. Nothing they do comes wtihout some sort of hefty emotional toll. I am no longer prepared to pay that toll. Ever.

I’m sorry if this is a pity party, but right now, that’s pretty much all I’m capable of. I just want my life back to as normal as it was. I want the outlaws to go away and STAY away. I want Princess Pretendtocare to go back to her little hole in Dueling Banjoes land and STOP calling us and Doug, and I just want a day that I can sleep all day and have absolutely not one responsibility to anything.  I want to be able to come home and not worry about the outlaws sitting outside my house trying to “help” me. I want Doug home now.  I want to be able to go to Rhinebeck next weekend, but that’s not looking so hot, and I don’t even want to think about it.

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Entry filed under: ick.

another quickie update Back to our regularly scheduled programming

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Shelby  |  October 14, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    Wow- I had no idea! I’m definitely thinking about you, Doug and Isaac constantly! I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to have to go through this. And I hate that people don’t recognize that it’s hard on you too. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do!

    Reply
  • 2. Secret Santa  |  October 14, 2007 at 2:56 pm

    Know that you and your family are in our prayers here. I’d bring you dinners if you lived closer….

    Reply
  • 3. AJ  |  October 14, 2007 at 11:55 pm

    Not sure what to say or do, this sucks. You and your family are in my prayers. I hope all goes ok. Try, somehow, to get your mind off things or you will worry yourself to death. Knit. Pray into something you knit.

    Reply

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